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Gavin Newsom tests positive for douchebaggery

California governor Gavin Newsom (D) had been exhibiting signs of dictatorial douchebaggery when he declared war on California businesses even though the World Health Organization says that lockdowns cannot stop the spread of coronavirus. Accordingly, Newsom paid a visit to the hospital, where a nasal swab test confirmed that he is indeed a douchebag. Contact tracing indicates that Newsom caught the bug from Los Angeles area dictators Sheila Kuehl (D) and Eric Garcetti (D), who also engage in Draconian lockdown douchebaggery.

Newsom later took a serologic test, for which he also tested positive. This means that Newsom has developed immunity to any criticism of his lockdown orders and hypocrisy.

Newsom will begin 21 days of quarantine during which he will be restricted to his home, as well as his Napa valley winery and the French Laundry fine dining restaurant, both of which are allowed to remain open during Newsom’s lockdowns.


Bo Gus Mann

Bo is a tough guy from Brooklyn who doesn't care about anyone's feelings. If he offends you, don't even bother complaining. Due to his mob staus, we can never fire him. Bo has had many run-ins with the law and so he has learned to become a good liar. Anyway, that's why we hired him. We're fake news.